Tag Archives: be where you are


hey, remember that dream where you decided to uproot your life, move 3000 miles away from home, to live in a state you’d never visited, where you knew no one, all for a job that thrilled you in the most terrifying way? it was a great, exhilarating, MAGICAL dream, but it was also filled with those long dark hallways, the sluggish running that brings about doom, and that sneaking suspicion you’re the last person alive.

i remember it! it was february. actual february, when it actually happened. i plucked it out of my mind and forced it to create my world, inception-style, and here i am six months in to these surreal new surroundings.

things are weird, man. i don’t even know where to begin. there’s so much good and awesome and lonely and strengthening.

and i’ve been thinking so much about getting back to personal writing, not just athlete interviews and company initiatives and pieces about everyone else’s lives. i’m honored to use my voice for others but i kind of want to speak selfishly for a while.

remember when i promised more frequent writing like two years ago? i remember it! it was never. actual never, when it actually never happened.

so today, friends, i don’t promise you. i promise MYSELF. i’m packed with THOUGHTS about THINGS and IDEAS about EVERYTHING and this clarity (or at least honesty) that stems from a love/people/friend fasting. are my thoughts new to the world? no chance, but they’re new to me.

so WRITE. shut the fuck up and write already. (?)

how better to document this dream come true?

chapter one

i’m a week and a half away from starting my new gig. so many things flooding through me – excitement! fear! sadness! anticipation! elation! it’s been a long time since starting a new job. i’m taking my own “be where you are” advice and just rolling with it, emotions and sentiments changing like the wind. one thing i know without a doubt: i’ve been lucky to work with truly amazing and exceptional souls, and i’ll miss them so much. especially my mentor, whom i’ve adored more than any previous professional, and who’s had so much to do with my growth and development and overall READINESS to take on this new challenge.

looking forward to the next chapter.

threadbare 2: the threadbarest

the big, huge, official closet cleanout has begun. my spare bedroom holds boxes and bags of clothes ready to be donated to working wardrobe. i’m down 45 pounds as of today. all good things, right? so why does it feel so strange?

when i set out last year on this journey to lose weight, i definitely had goals. 10-ish pounds still to go, in fact. but what i hadn’t really accounted for, beyond the danced-around thought of how fun/cool it’d be to fit in smaller size clothes, was what that really meant. i’m not a packrat, and i’m certainly not overly sentimental (at least that i’ll admit to). so at least in theory, i shouldn’t have a problem with letting go of these clothes.

but some of them? some of them were really hard to put in that donate pile. the amazing tweed slacks that i had tailored just for me, and which i probably only fit in four times? gone. all of my cute little blazer-jacket-throw-it-on-over-a-cami-and-call-it-good(s)? gone. the camis themselves, for that matter – ciao! most of my cashmere, my beloved chartreuse things, the items from my love affair with j. crew, all gone.

i’m getting what i wanted – i’m downsizing, literally and figuratively. i get to start fresh, rebuild. but this has been a really interesting, unexpected, introspective experience.

what i hadn’t counted on was looking like a schlub for most of the past year. bumming around in ill-fitting clothes, because i couldn’t go down a size yet, but i didn’t quite fit in the previous one. trepidation over buying replacements, some financial and some knowing (hoping?) that they’d only last a few weeks. a sense of waste, getting rid of some unworn items, and some which were only worn a couple times. but then also a sense of happiness – donating some really nice, good-condition professional clothes to a great organization that helps women look and feel their professional best. and because of that schlubbing around in old or ill-fitting stuff? i better understand the importance of that.

i’m a very lucky, grateful girl. i’m getting what i wanted in more ways than one. and i’m appreciative of it – every pound, every size dropped. but this other, unforeseen side was a real surprise.

the dark side of the closet.

she, myself, and i

d’you ever have those out-of-body experiences where you’re almost looking down at yourself, watching yourself in a certain situation? this rarely happens to me – but when it does, i pay attention.

i went to portland last weekend to stay with one of my besties and her family. lots of quality girl (and chrissy/elliot) time, playing with pups, taking tons of epic walks.

there was a moment where i had this out-of-body thing, as i was chatting with alexis and chris on one of our walks. i don’t even remember what we were talking about, but what struck me was my genuine enthusiasm and happiness. the me that hovered above myself, observing this, immediately called bullshit and accused myself of being fake. “since when do you talk like that?” i asked myself. “that’s not you.”

and then it hit me. that enthusiastic, happy me? that’s actually the real me. it’s just been so long since i’ve seen her that i kind of forgot about her. my first reaction was that she seemed fake – that quiet positivity and confidence that i haven’t seen in myself in ages.

that’s heartbreaking. i’m living in a place that’s so inauthentic, i can’t even recognize the rare glimpses of the me that i know i am.

i thought i was at the bottom a month or two ago, and then i learned that it was actually two weeks ago. and now i know that it’s today. and i’m trying so hard to just let myself be here until i don’t need to be here anymore, so then i can get to where i need to be.

just she, myself and i. i’d like to welcome back the me that i know and like, since we’re going to be together for a while.